First post and telling my old self to shut up

“Why am I doing this?” I ask myself when I sit alone in my desk. Classical music blares out of my speakers from the Windows 10 TuneIn app as I try to copy the writing habits of my favorite authors. I realize that I have a test next Monday for my Differential Equations course and I’m using my spare time needed to study to write this post. It’s not a good way to start off my academic career but forget about it. Tonight, I am Charles Bukowski gathering thoughts of lost loves and destructive behaviors and transferring them to the word processor. So far, judging on past works, I don’t sound like a writer who suffers from alcoholism and chronic introversion but as a dateless virgin who spends his nonrefundable minutes on Earth watching YouTube videos. After writing in a number of personal journals, or as they’re called “diaries” for everyone else, I think I’m ready to start a blog where my thoughts, biased and ignorant as they may be, can be seen and shared to anyone in the world.

Insecure thoughts continue to hinder my writing. Demons surely do exist, and they have evolved from the freak acts of nature and the evil misdemeanors of humans to the small confines of my brain. Their newest method of temptations are gradually taking control my energy to continue writing. The idea of quitting leave me desperate and towards an agnostic’s plea for God. If I submit to their taunts, by closing this page and continuing on my life, then they have won.

This blog is a gateway from removing my past self into a new form of man. The man I am talking about is the man which I want to become. The details are too hazy and they are too personal to discuss, especially for a post meant to serve as a first impression. But let’s just say that there comes a certain time in my life when I have to abandon the life I once had before the feeling continues to hold me down rather than maintaining its sense of self satisfaction needed to continue. Writing has never been my closest ally as standardized test scores have constantly proved that I’m naturally better at math instead of writing. Regardless, I’ve expressed an interest to write for quite a while. After years of diving in towards other art forms such as photography and film making, which I continue as a hobby instead of a potential career, that I might as well learn how to write and learn how to write well.

I don’t know what this blog will consist of. It may contain movie reviews, exhibitions of my own works, my own personal opinions concerning the big questions, or just random ramblings as I’m too shy to give it to a regular human being. But they will be focused on one goal: practice. I don’t know if I want to become a writer but I certainly want to be good at writing. Especially towards prose and the constraints of these poorly composed essays. I may even do the dirty work and post an entry per day. It’s going to be quite pointless, but I don’t mind writing out words with the intention of improving with any reader acting as my intellectual guinea pig

Admittedly, I showcase the two naughty no no’s of composition with a sloppy form of writing and a failure to provide additional details for each point that I make. I get too caught up in the moment of writing with my heart that I fail to reword with my head, a lesson that I’ve taken from one of my favorite movies “Finding Forrester.”  But maybe I’m not writing essays in order to prove a point, but instead I want to write out simple thoughts and words out on paper as an outlet. Similar to (yes I’m using him example yet again) Charles Bukowski and his hero, John Fante. Where each book brought out by these two are examples of how to write with an emotional and impassioned form of style. When reading their words, I was blown away on each hard boiled sentence that punched out from the page and slap me in the face, each word giving me a boost of energy needed to continue. Rumor has it that such writers such as these two are often mimicked with aspiring writers (I have been guilty of this distinction, I wasn’t as good as a writer to begin with.)

But the lesson learned here is that the form of style I often see with these two is enough to keep the reader entertained but if will need a certain lesson needed to be made through. I hope that I can continue until I can write without any sense of pretentiousness coming from this post. I can’t please everyone, but I hope I can please the few who.

So that’s my brief and somewhat confusing introduction to who I am and what I wish to accomplish with this first post. And what I want to accomplish with this blog is…I don’t really know. Maybe when I start writing often, I’ll gradually form the basis of what’s best for the blog. Other than that, bear with me. I’m a mere beginner at the writer’s circle and I feel like I don’t belong here.